英语笑话

Life after Death复活

Life after Death A primary schoolteacher asked one of her students: "Do you believe in life after death?" The boy answered: "Yes, I do!" The teacher said, "Well, it is good that you believe, because your grandpa came to school to see me today, though you told me yesterday that you needed to take a day off to attend his funeral!" 复活 有一个小学老师问她的学生：「你相不相信有复活的现象？」 他说：「相信啊！」老师说：「好，还好你相信， 因为昨天你跟我说你请假为你的祖父送葬， 他今天有来学校跟我打招呼！」

Who's Got Joe's Number免费电话秘书

Who's Got Joe's Number? A lady got a call in the middle of the night at two o’clock, and the phone kept ringing, so she picked it up. “Hi, this is Mary.” And the person at the other end said, “ I want to speak to Joe, please.” Mary said, “There's no Joe. I am alone here. I am Mary. This must be a wrong number!” She put the phone down: Bang! And she went back to sleep. Two minutes later, the phone rang again. “Hallo!” said Mary. The other person said, “I want to speak to Joe, please.” “There is no Joe here. Wrong number!” Bang! She went back to sleep. A couple of minutes later, the phone rang again: “Is Joe home?” Mary said, “I told you already! If you call again, I am going to call 911. It's a wrong number; there is no Joe here!” Mary banged the phone down and tried to go back to sleep, but she couldn’t. She worried that the phone might ring, so she sat next to the phone, waiting, with another phone on hand, just to call 911. And the phone really did ring again, five minutes later. So Mary was already scolding: “I told you it's a wrong number. There is no Joe over here. I told you: Stop it, or I’ll call the police!” And the other said, “Oh! Calm down, calm down! Here is Joe.” And Joe said, “Did anyone call me at that number?” 免费电话秘书 有位女士的电话在深夜两点铃声大作，响个不停，她拿起 话筒说：「喂，我是玛丽。」电话那头说： 「请找乔听电话。」玛丽说：「这里没有乔，只有我。 我是玛丽，你一定是打错了！」她「砰」一声挂掉电话，回去睡觉。 两分钟后，电话又响了。玛丽说：「喂！」 对方说：「请乔听电话。」” “「这里没有乔，你打错了！」「砰！」 一声她又挂上电话，回去睡觉。 几分钟后，电话又响了：「乔在家吗？」玛丽说： 「我跟你说过了！如果你再打电话来，我就要报警！ 你打错了，这里没有乔！」玛丽把电话挂掉，想回去睡觉， 但是却睡不着，她担心电话又再度响起，于是就坐在电话机 旁等着，旁边还有另外一支电话准备报警用。 五分钟后，电话真的又响了。于是玛丽吼道： 「我说过你打错电话了，这里没有乔！我警告你 不要再打来，不然我要报警了！」 电话那一端说：「喔！冷静点！冷静点！我是乔， 有人打电话到那里找我吗？」

Loving Thy Enemy爱你的敌人

Loving Thy Enemy A man died, and he went to hell. And the King of Hades received him in front of his throne, together with another person, and he said, “You, Mr. Johnson, you owe this person, Madame Smith, so much money but you haven’t paid it back. So she’s suing you because you didn’t pay her back. But I don’t think you can ever pay her back if you come back the next life as a human again since you don’t have any merit in your account and you are not going to have any money at all again in the next lifetime. So, I am going to make you become a horse or maybe a buffalo so that you can work all your life. You can pull the cart and keep carrying her all your life until you repay your debt. Maybe it will spill over into the next life even.” The man, the money-owing person, said, “Oh, King, maybe that’s not a good idea. Even if I become a horse or buffalo or a dog or whatever, I will never be able to pay it off to her. So, why don’t you make me become her father, and I will pay my whole lifetime?” “From her date of birth, I will keep paying, paying and paying.” In that case, he will be paying very willingly, because he will love his daughter or son, whoever that might be or however she might have reincarnated. And in that case, whatever she wants, he will give, willingly, lovingly, and even proudly: “Yes, that’s my daughter. I paid a hundred thousand dollars for her to go to college. Look at what she is now. I’m still paying for her apartment. She wants a helicopter, and I’m going to get it for her.” So, that is really similar to “Love thy enemy”! You must love them now or else you’ll have to come back and love them even more. 爱你的敌人 有一个人死后下地狱，阎罗王在王座前审判他和另一个人。阎罗王 说︰「强森先生，你欠这位史密斯夫人这么多钱，但却没有还钱， 所以她控告你。不过就算你下辈子再来当人，我认为你也无法还钱， 因为你没有任何功德，下辈子也会一贫如洗，所以我要让你变成 一匹马或一只水牛，这样你就可以工作一辈子。你可以拉车载她 一辈子，直到还清债务为止，说不定还会牵连到下下辈子。」 这个欠钱的人说︰「阎罗王，这样也许不是个好主意。 即使我变成马、牛、狗等等，我还是无法把债务还清。所以何不干脆 把我变成她的父亲，我就会整个辈子卖命还债，从她出生开始， 我就会一直不停地还！」在这种情况下，他会非常心甘情愿地还， 因为不管她转世为男的或女的，或是任何模样，他都会疼爱自己 的儿女。而且在这种情况下，不管她要什么，他都会很乐意又有 爱心地给，甚至还会自豪地说︰「她是我的女儿，我付十万美元 让她上大学，看看她现在的成就！我还在帮她付房租。她想要 一架直升机，我也要想办法买给她。」这样确实跟「爱你的敌人」 没有两样了。所以你现在就必须爱他们，否则下辈子还要再回来， 付出更多爱心给他们。

救火啊！

Fire！ This is a true story. In England there was a high official who hired a servant to attend to him. In those days， only people who had power and wealth could smoke. The rest did not even know what tobacco was. The servant came for the first time and saw the official sitting by the stove smoking. This servant was from the countryside and had never seen anyone smoking before. When he saw smoke coming out from his master's nose and mouth ， he thought that there was a fire. He was about to serve his master some tea but when he saw the situation， he poured the tea up his master's nose ， and cried out aloud， "Fire！ Fire！ Fire！" 「救火啊！」 这是真的故事，在英国有一个当大官的，他请了一个佣人 来侍候他。在那个时候，只有比较有权力、有钱的人才能够抽烟， 别人都不知道烟是什么。佣人第一次来，看到他坐在火炉旁边抽烟； 那个佣人是从乡下来的，从来没有看过人抽烟；当他看见烟从主人 的鼻子和嘴巴跑出来，他认为是火烧了，他刚好要端茶给主人喝， 看到他这个样子，就把茶倒进他鼻孔里面去，还在那边呼唤： 「救火啊！救火啊！救火啊！」，对啊！真的好无聊， 机器才会冒烟，人怎么会冒烟呢？是不是？