No.20

我讨厌现在的自己，面对现实，我要一边压抑自己的情绪，还假装没事的样子，一到深夜就彻底崩溃，天亮还要笑着面对一切。我不想把负面情绪带给我重要的人，所以我不管多难过，但是在别人面前还是一副大大咧咧的样子。深夜真的会让人想起好多细节和事情，负面情绪总是在黑夜吞噬着我，你没有看到我等你消息的样子，没有看到我哭着说没事的样子，你也没有看到我在夜里想你想到崩溃的样子，所以你觉得我不爱你。这一路走来从没有被谁好好爱过，也不知道惊喜是什么，更不知道被别人疯狂担心是什么感觉，是我不够好还是我不值得。

I hate myself now. In the face of reality, I have to suppress my emotions and pretend to be okay. I completely collapse in the middle of the night and face everything with a smile at dawn. I don't want to bring negative emotions to my important people, so no matter how sad I am, I still look careless in front of others. Late at night will really remind people of many details and things. Negative emotions always devour me in the dark night. You don't see me waiting for your news, crying and saying it's okay, and you don't see me thinking of collapse at night, so you think I don't love you. I've never been loved by anyone along the way, and I don't know what the surprise is, and I don't know what it feels like to be crazy worried by others. Is it because I'm not good enough or I'm not worth it.

我知道有句话叫：没有确定的事情就不要闹得沸沸扬扬，可我当初真的以为这辈子就是他了。

I know there is a saying: don't make a fuss without certainty, but I really thought it was him in my life.