第一章：厭惡

Without life, no matter how gorgeous the sunlight is, it cannot reach the bottom of my heart. In the hustle and bustle of the city, the traffic is busy and people come and go. I can hear all kinds of voices, but I can't hear the joy and warmth of them; I can see all kinds of figures, but I just feel that they are all messy black and white lines. The blood of the whole body has solidified and dried up, headache, heartache, low back pain, back pain, I can't tell where the pain is, and I can't find out the specific cause. It's clear that the years are quiet and the years are calm, and I am like a dead man. I don't know what I think or do all day. The only understanding is that "the vast future is like a sea of worries, and I send a message of Xihe to whip quickly". Some people are depressed because they are hit by a sudden blow, and their grief is overloaded, which is difficult to resolve by themselves. Some people are accumulated over time, a little bit deep in mud and feet, which is becoming more and more difficult to extricate themselves. Some people also suffer from chronic attacks every year, which is much more severe than the ordinary injuries of spring and autumn. It is also unclear why. It seems that when the northern geese arrive, they will fly south. When they see the willow catkins and the autumn wind, their tears will fall. How happy it is to be able to cry, laugh, speak and scold! Really depressed, there is no expression, no tears, no words, no words. There are many words wandering in my mind, but I can't spell the right words to comfort myself, express my feelings and ask for help. So I could only be silent and look forward to the coming of death. Why does depression lead to suicide? Why do depression patients commit suicide by jumping from a building? When I am depressed, I can't feel the real distance. To be exact, the world is far away from me. Whether I stand opposite or look up, it seems that I am separated by a layer of reinforced glass. Every depressed person who jumps out of a building actually wants to save himself and embrace the world. They are eager to feel the temperature of the light and the speed of the wind again, and they are also eager to get out of the barriers of the heart and return to human feuds. Unfortunately, it is too difficult, too difficult. When a person realizes that he is depressed, the cage of his heart has been cast. It felt like being bound by a slender rose stalk. The more you struggled, the more painful it was, and the more blurred it was with blood and tears. It was as if they had split into two selves, one sinking into a deep and treacherous lake, and the other standing on the bank, watching coldly and unable to rescue. Breathe, every breath is so hard, the water is jagged, the light scattered, and the world is drifting away, but there is nothing to do. It's OK, it's OK. Just get used to it. Thinking like this, I gave up the struggle and the hope. It is easier to die than to live. How difficult life is, why linger? Even if you can't die all the time because of various factors, you will always turn your heart to ashes and live, just live. The flowers bloom, the clouds fall, the clouds roll, the time goes by in a hurry, and when I look back, I am at a loss. People are very fragile creatures. If you give up yourself, the world will not keep you. It means that "heaven and earth are inhumane, and everything is a ruminant dog". The flowers fall, the wind rises, and it is a pity that they float silently. So this life is just a joke, a vanity, and an eternal scar in the hearts of relatives and friends. Giving up life is not because there is no love in life, but because all emotions are sealed by depression, transformed into the illusion of numbness, and wearing away the last vitality. Depression patients themselves will not ask for help, because their world is hopeless. I'm glad I have a split spirit. This period of lucidity and confusion is like floating in the boundless sea with a piece of broken wood. Depression strikes. In vertigo, suffocation and pain, I only want to die. But when I wake up, it is like suddenly breathing, struggling and shouting, trying to seize a wisp of hope. It is easy to cure a disease, but difficult to cure a heart. Depression is your own business. You must figure it out by yourself. Otherwise, no matter how powerful the medicine is, it won't help. For me, words are my eternal medicine. When the world of real life is lost, the world constructed by words holds up another sky for me. But I can't hide in the glass room I built forever. I'm destined to come out and face the real life and solve practical problems. Fortunately, my glass house is strong enough, and my foreign aid - family, friendship and love also came in time. I returned to the familiar world, and touched the real love and hate. The music of the piano is curling and the jasmine fragrance is fragrant. The children's playfulness no longer bothers me. Today, he smiled and I cried when I hugged him for a long time. How can he understand that I embrace not only him, but also my whole world.（自己查度娘）

01

從金若夕記事起，父親和母親就沒有不吵架的時候，不是尋常夫妻之間的鬥嘴玩鬧，而是整個家都結冰了似的恐怖氣氛。

父親母親之間的予盾也許不算吵架，絕大部分時候都是父親對母親的單方面發難。

有時候是飯做得不合胃口，父親夾了一筷子放進嘴裏，發現偏咸，眉毛就皺了起來 再夾幾筷子，越吃越不滿意，臉就耷拉下來了，仿彿遭遇了極大的怠慢一樣，深呼吸幾次，還是無法忍受似的把筷子一丟：“做的什麽東西，不吃了！”說完便起身要走。母親就會習慣性地檢討自己：“怎麽能不吃呢？怪我，這兩天感冒口淡，鹽放的多了些，好歹吃點兒啊，下次一定注意……”

話沒說完父親通常就發怒了：“什麽叫下次一定會注意？你哪回下次注意了啊？吃什麽吃！這種鬼東西我吃的下去嗎？吃！我忙了一天，你TM就在家裏帶帶孩子做做飯，不還做不好！”

媽母親大多數時候回盯著著飯桌一聲不吭，這個時候上只會得到爸爸更大分貝的指責，甚至由怒氣轉成暴怒，揪起母親一頓暴打和漫謾罵，打的母親身上一片靑一片紫的。

這個時候金若夕和妹妹冷漠的看著這一切，因為從小出生在這種家庭的她們早就見怪不怪了。

她們也不想這樣啊……

02

對著寫滿對她的污穢話語的桌子，金若夕好一似沒看見一樣擦擦椅子坐了下去，周圍同學的議論聲充斥著耳膜。

就連老師也處處針對她……

可笑，嘴上說著公平公正，實際真的做到了嗎？

窗外的雨下的很大，让人甚是烦躁。

今天…原来是我生日啊……