1976年10月15日
I’ve been laid up with a bug lately—sniffles, fever, the whole lot. Took a sick day from the Ministry, thank Merlin.
这段时间我被一场风寒缠上了——又流鼻涕又发烧，糟透了。总算向魔法部请了天病假，梅林保佑。
Evelyn flooed all the way over to see me, brought a tin of Mrs. Weasley’s chocolate frogs (bless her). We sat on the sofa all day, sipping Pepper Imps and chatting like we were back at Hogwarts—back when I didn’t have to hide how madly I loved you, Fasker.
伊芙林特意通过飞路粉跑来看我，还带了一罐韦斯莱夫人做的巧克力蛙（真是个好人）。我们坐在沙发上待了一整天，嚼着胡椒小顽童聊天，仿佛回到了霍格沃茨——回到那个我还能大大方方说爱你的时候，法斯克。
The Healer popped by, said it’s just a Muggle cold that wandered into the wizarding world. Felt a weight lift off my chest—was scared it was something worse, with all the dark stuff going on lately. Stayed home two more days, wrapped in your old Quidditch scarf, then dragged myself back to the Ministry.
治疗师来看过，说就是麻瓜世界的普通感冒跑到巫师界来了。我心里一块石头落了地——最近黑巫师闹得凶，还以为是啥严重的毛病。在家又裹着你的旧魁地奇围巾躺了两天，才硬撑着回了魔法部。
1976年11月23日
I’m this close to quitting my Ministry job—sick of the late nights, sick of the constant tension. All I want is to bugger off to the country, like we talked about.
我快受不了魔法部的工作了——熬夜熬到吐，整天提心吊胆的。我只想逃到乡下，就像我们以前聊过的那样。
Remember back at school, fifth year maybe? I said: “Someday I’ll move to a cottage with a garden, raise Pygmy Puffs, be a proper wanderer—no deadlines, no dark wankers to chase.” You laughed and said you’d come with me.
还记得上学的时候吗？大概五年级那会儿？我说：“总有一天我要搬到带花园的小屋，养一群侏儒蒲，做个真正的漫游者——没有截止日期，不用追着黑巫师跑。”你当时笑着说要跟我一起去。
1976年12月3日
Bloody hell, today was mental—in the best way.
我的天，今天简直疯了——不过是好的那种疯。
Evelyn’s engaged! Daniel proposed to her in Paris, of all places—sent an owl with a photo of her grinning with the ring (it’s a sapphire, just like she always wanted). She looks so happy she’s glowing, and Daniel? He’s chuffed to bits… but he was sobbing like a first year who lost his wand.
伊芙林订婚了！丹尼尔居然在巴黎向她求的婚——还寄了张猫头鹰照片，她戴着戒指笑开了花（是蓝宝石的，跟她一直想要的一样）。她开心得发光，而丹尼尔呢？他高兴得要命……但哭得跟个丢了魔杖的一年级新生似的。
I joked: “Daniel, why’re you blubbering? It’s not your wedding day—you’ll still see us every weekend! Wait till your daughter marries someday, you’ll be a right mess.”
我调侃他：“丹尼尔，你哭啥呢？又不是你结婚——以后周末还能见面啊！等你跟伊芙林的女儿出嫁那天，你不得哭晕过去？”
He stared at me like he was actually thinking about it, then cried even harder. Evelyn had to drag him into the other room to calm him down—bless his sappy heart.
他居然真的盯着我琢磨了半天，然后哭得更凶了。伊芙林只好把他拽到另一个房间安抚——这家伙的心也太软了。
Fasker, when I’m done with all this Ministry bollocks… I’ll come find you. I’ll go to that cottage we talked about, and I’ll tell you everything.
法斯克，等我把魔法部这些破事处理完……我就去找你。我会去我们聊过的那间小屋，把所有事都告诉你。
1976年12月25日
Today marks six months, my darling Fasker. Six months since that bloody dark wizard got you—since you left me here, alone. I finally cried, like I’d been trying to for months. But it didn’t feel good. It felt like someone carved a hole in my chest and left it raw.
今天满六个月了，我亲爱的法斯克。六个月前，那个该死的黑巫师害了你——六个月前，你丢下我一个人在这里。我终于哭出来了，憋了好几个月总算哭了。但一点也不好受，就像有人在我心上挖了个洞，露着血淋淋的肉。
Everyone thinks I’m over you—Evelyn keeps trying to set me up with blokes from the Auror office, Daniel avoids mentioning your name. But they don’t know. They don’t know I still reach for your hand when I walk down Diagon Alley, or catch myself calling your name when I make tea, or want to tell you about the stupid Ministry meetings that make me want to scream. That’s when I know—I love you so much it hurts.
所有人都以为我忘了你——伊芙林总想着给我介绍傲罗办公室的家伙，丹尼尔连你的名字都不敢提。但他们不懂。他们不懂我走在对角巷时还会下意识去牵你的手，冲茶时会顺口叫你的名字，遇到让我想尖叫的蠢事时，还是想第一时间告诉你。只有这时候我才明白——我爱你爱到心疼。
I cried for a week straight. Eyes all puffy and red, couldn’t even cast a simple Cheering Charm on myself. But grief’s a bugger, innit? It doesn’t care about spells. The hole in my chest’s still there.
我哭了整整一个星期，眼睛又红又肿，连个简单的快乐咒都对自己施不出来。可悲伤这东西真该死，根本不管什么魔法。我心上的洞，还是没补上。
1977年1月1日
Today’s that Muggle Chinese holiday—Yuan Dan, right? Evelyn sent me a red envelope with Galleons inside (said it’s for “good luck”).
今天是麻瓜的中国节日——元旦，对吗？伊芙林给我寄了个红包，里面装着加隆（说能“带来好运”）。
Happy New Year, my love. Happy Yuan Dan. Wish you were here to steal my chocolate frogs, like you always did.
新年快乐，我的爱人。元旦快乐。真希望你还在这儿，像以前一样抢我的巧克力蛙。
1979年8月3日
Evelyn’s pregnant! Sent an owl this morning—she’s over the moon, rambled on about baby clothes and how Daniel’s already panicking about Quidditch lessons.
伊芙林怀孕了！早上收到她的猫头鹰来信——她高兴坏了，絮絮叨叨说要给宝宝买衣服，还说丹尼尔已经开始担心以后要教宝宝打魁地奇了。
Funny thing—I lost this diary years ago, after you died. Thought it was gone forever, gutted ‘cause it’s full of us. But last month, I found it in the bottom of my trunk, under your old Quidditch jersey.
说起来好笑，你走后没多久，这本日记就丢了。我以为再也找不回来了，伤心坏了，里面全是我们的回忆。但上个月，我在行李箱最底下找到了它，压在你的旧魁地奇球衣下面。
I don’t think I’ll ever have a child. ‘Cause the only child I ever wanted was yours—yours and mine, with your messy hair and that stupid smirk. I’ll never get to be a mother. And honestly? I don’t care. Not if it’s not with you.
我想我这辈子都不会有孩子了。因为我唯一想要的孩子，是你的——是我们俩的，有着你乱糟糟的头发和那副欠揍的坏笑。我永远当不了妈妈了。说实话？我也不在乎。不是跟你，就算不上真正的家。
1979年11月7日
Saw a bloke in Diagon Alley today who looked just like you—same scruffy blonde hair, same lazy grin, even had your signature leather jacket. He held the door for an old witch, was proper nice.
今天在对角巷看到一个人，长得跟你一模一样——同样乱糟糟的金发，同样懒洋洋的笑，甚至穿了件跟你同款的皮夹克。他还帮一位老女巫开了门，人挺好的。
My heart skipped a beat—for a second, I thought you’d come back. Thought all that bollocks about you being dead was a lie.
我的心跳漏了一拍——那一瞬间，我以为你回来了。以为你牺牲的那些鬼话都是假的。
But he turned around, and his eyes were brown (yours were hazel, remember?). And he didn’t laugh like you—didn’t snort when he thought something was funny. I know he’s not you. No one will ever be you.
但他转过身，眼睛是棕色的（你的是淡褐色的，记得吗？）。而且他笑起来也不像你——不会因为觉得好笑就哼哧哼哧地喘。我知道他不是你。再也没有人能像你了。
1988年1月23日
I love you, Fasker. I’ve loved you since fifth year, when you stole my Potions notes and then helped me study till midnight to make up for it. I loved you even when we fought—even when we didn’t speak for years.
我爱你，法斯克。从五年级起就爱你，就是你偷了我的魔药笔记，又陪我补习到半夜赔罪的那天。就算我们吵架了也爱你——就算冷战了好几年，也没停过。
Remember that fight? Fifth year, first term. You were so scared I’d leave you—scared your posh pureblood family would make you pick someone “better,” scared I’d get tired of your jealousy. But you were daft, Fasker. You never cared I was half-Muggle, never made me feel less—but you thought you weren’t good enough for me? So you tested me, pushed me away. I was furious—loved you wasn’t a game to play with. We didn’t talk till graduation. And now… I’ll never get to say I’m sorry.
还记得那次吵架吗？五年级上学期。你那么怕我离开你——怕你那有钱有势的纯血家族逼你选个“更配得上”的人，怕我受不了你的占有欲。可你真傻啊，法斯克。你从来不在乎我是混血，从来没让我觉得自己低人一等——可你居然觉得你配不上我？所以你试探我，把我推开。我当时气疯了——我爱你，不是让你拿来测试的。我们直到毕业都没说过话。而现在……我再也没机会说对不起了。
I visited you today, on the anniversary of your death. Left your favorite Fizzing Whizbees on your grave. Talked to you for ages—told you about Evelyn’s kid (she’s got Daniel’s eyes), told you I finally quit the Ministry.
今天是你的忌日，我去看你了。在你墓前放了你最爱的滋滋蜜蜂糖。跟你聊了好久——告诉你伊芙林的孩子（眼睛跟丹尼尔一模一样），告诉你我终于辞了魔法部的工作。
I went looking for you… in the place we talked about, that cottage in the country. It’s just like we imagined—garden full of flowers, quiet, no dark wizards.
我去找你了……去了我们聊过的那个乡下小屋。跟我们想象的一模一样——花园里开满了花，安安静静的，没有黑巫师。
Spring began, quiet as a breath. The flowers are blooming, just like they did at Hogwarts.
春天不声不响地来了。花开了，就像我们在霍格沃茨时那样。
Yaslin vanished without a sound. For her, of flowers, quiet, no dark wizards.
我去找你了……去了我们聊过的那个乡下小屋。跟我们想象的一模一样——花园里开满了花，安安静静的，没有黑巫师。
Spring began, quiet as a breath. The flowers are blooming, just like they did at Hogwarts.
春天不声不响地来了。花开了，就像我们在霍格沃茨时那样。
Yaslin vanished without a sound. For her, the world would always be spring—always have you, always have us.
雅思林不声不响地离开了。对她来说，这个世界永远是春天——永远有你，永远有我们。
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